I’m a nobody and it’s great to be a nobody.

We all know about our identification with all the multi-layered roles we play. The roles we play change even more often than our underwear.
One moment I’m the girlfriend, then the daughter, the educator, the angry one or the happy one. There are so many different faces that we all see as “I am”.
We identify so much with our programmed, learned roles that we actually believe that it is all us.

But who am I really?

Am I the educator who helps children find themselves?

Am I the person who had a great Vipassana meditation yesterday?

The one who teaches and practices yoga ? 

Or am I someone who is on the path to self-realisation?

Questions upon questions and a thousand different roles I have played so far. But I sit here after months of searching the darkest shadows of my soul and I have realised that I am a nobody and I want to be a nobody!

If I am everything I thought I was for years, and if I am all these multi-layered roles I have unconsciously identified with, then I am a fucking diversity! Then I can’t be just this one person, but a whole tribe of different people!
One person with so many incredibly different views, beliefs, feelings, reactions, ideas and expectations.

But who exactly am I?

Am I all of them or am I none of them?

I had to make that choice, and I believe, like Ayya Khema, that we all have to make that choice at some point. 

I have a choice: either I am nobody or I am everybody.

If I choose to be everyone, I also know that my life will continue to be complicated, perhaps even more complicated and suffering than it already is. 

How can I make a decision when some of my roles are contradictory?

How can I experience peace when my victim role prefers to bathe in suffering?

How can I find out what I really want when I identify with all my different roles that all want something different?

How can I find out who I am if I am constantly asking myself who I want to be and thereby only burdening myself with a new limitation?

That is why I have decided that I would rather be a nobody!

Through training as a mindfulness trainer, I learned to really look deeply into my own eyes without being distracted, judging or condemning. So many more negative beliefs and hurts came out that I thought I had overcome. 
Our ego really is a fucking genius when it comes to tricking us. It plays us so believably a lot just so it can keep control over us.

It was one of those days when I questioned myself and everything around me all over again. Honestly, I had no idea what was happening to me…. I felt I was becoming a nobody.
I had lost everything I had…. all those ego-protective mechanisms and views about myself, so that I didn’t even know who I was in truth anymore. If someone had asked me who or what I was, I could only have replied, “A nobody”.
I cried when I wrote those words down, and at the same time I felt this incredible relief. These words “I am a nobody” kept running through my head.
And then there was this brief moment of silence and I realised that this realisation was seriously threatening my idea of who I was. It was by far the strongest frontal attack on my ego. Because my ego wants to be “me” and I had taken that possibility away from it. I started laughing and felt this incredible acceptance, contentment, relief and detachment. Peace and bliss filled me and all my sadness and suffering disappeared from my mind at that moment. 

I don’t need to live up to expectations and I can be a nobody. A nobody who nevertheless lives his life and follows his heart.

Everything is as it is, a constant process of purification.
Our own views about ourselves are our undoing!

When we see the constant change in everything so that we can no longer claim, “This is me!” we have made an incredible breakthrough into our depths.

There is no single “I” or “you”.
There are only manifestations that are constantly changing. 

“End the deception so that the pure, bright mind knows only what is real!” 

Who are you in truth ?

I am a nobody without all identifications, conceptions and attachments. 
In this way, my true nature reveals itself.