Darkness: One of my biggest fears for a long time


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One of my biggest fears for a long time ?


For a very long time, as soon as it got dark, I was panic-stricken to be outside alone.
Again and again the feeling of panic came up in me.
I became restless, nervous, my heartbeat raced and in really extreme situations I ran home as fast as I could.
I didn’t feel safe and I was afraid of other people.
Sometimes it was stronger, sometimes weaker, but it was always a split second of sudden panic.
This really very strong feeling was joined by memories and emotions from traumatic experiences.
Experiences of absolute loss of control and fear of death.
I remember only too well childhood memories of feeling this fear.
In the course of my journey, I learned to travel more and more into my own darkness and to look at these emotions and memories from a safe perspective.
Despite really intense and years of work, this fear in the darkness, the fear of people in the darkness still accompanied me.
It became weaker and weaker and I experienced more and more moments when I felt safe, but subliminally this panic fear was always buzzing along.
In moments of panic, thoughts surfaced that made me believe I was being persecuted and abused and that horrible things would happen to me.
Yes, really horrible ideas and thoughts came up.
Sometimes I even felt crazy about it.
But there was a time in my life when these things were reality & I remembered that then.
Layer by layer I looked at the issues involved, felt the emotions & released the demons that were trapped inside.
A process that requires time and great courage.
So I learned to move on step by step and to put aside the pressure of wanting to do everything quickly.
Again and again I come across issues and situations that have to do with this trauma, although one thinks one has already dealt with them.
It becomes more and more subtle and hardly noticeable, but deeper processes are waiting to be seen.
This always requires great mindfulness and honesty with oneself.
Healing is a process and not a marathon, we must always be aware of that.
Today I can walk in the middle of a dark forest with my two dogs and feel peace and serenity.
It was a long, stony road to get there, and yes, sometimes the memory of that frightening feeling comes to my mind.
However, I can regulate myself and return to my centre. 

With this story I want to encourage & say that it is worth going through this shadow and that we are allowed to take the time we need.
Especially traumatic experiences cannot be erased from our system within a very short time.
It takes so much more !

We should be aware that traumatic experiences have the consequence that an event can only be roughly stored, if at all. This splitting off was necessary during the trauma and served survival.
The incomplete memories develop a life of their own, which largely eludes the conscious mind and is active in the subconscious. Numerous stimuli can act as triggers and evoke intense emotional memories in those affected.
This usually triggers strong fear and panic, but these can also be completely different reactions.
A Trauma is a complex issue and one should only approach experienced people with these issues & questions, because we will not be able to resolve this issue with just “light and love” or pressure. We do have the possibility to support this healing process with many helpful tools & techniques, but we have to be brave enough to face this big shadow ourselves. 

So don’t let anyone put pressure on you, including yourself.
Sometimes we run far too fast and our soul & system are not ready.
Especially in today’s society we succumb to the urge to want to master everything super fast and the healing process becomes a real competition.
Higher, further, faster is just a conditioning of society.

You alone determine how fast you go.
Practice patience and be loving to yourself.
You too can bring light into your shadow.
So believe in yourself. 


Let's connect

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Hey, i am Shania

It is a matter of the heart for me to guide people to their shadow in a sensitive way, to let them recognise through self-awareness what is hidden behind their anchored pain and suffering and how they can use these insights for themselves in a healing and transformative way.